Hi. My name is John Andrei Dalisay. This is my story about how I found the Real Truth® and how the MWAW help me understand my situation in this life.
Because of the Real Truth®, I’m now able to see the lies I told myself and the state of being in which I was living for a long time. Because of this, I’m now able to become more honest with myself in a positive way and work out what truly makes me happy. Without this work, I would never, ever truly know what’s going on in my life, nor would I even be able to navigate this world.
I was born in December 1998, in a poor urban area called “Bagong Barrio,” in Quezon City, Philippines. I was born into the LDS church.
I am the youngest in my family. I have one older brother, who is eight years older than me, and also my parents: Dad and Mom who are about 58 years old now.
Before I was born, my mom was working abroad in Hong Kong as a maid. That was also the time when she became a member of the LDS Church. My mom wasn’t actually visited by missionaries. She was the one who knocked on the door of the LDS Church and they welcomed her. She later became a member. She also said to me that she was lucky enough to meet and embrace President Gordon B. Hinckley during the dedication of the Hong Kong temple.
When my mom was in Hong Kong, my dad was the one who took care of my brother. Actually, my mom’s auntie (we call her Mama Rose, she is a single old lady) is the one who took care of my brother in the Philippines, at that time. But a year before I was born, the situation changed because my dad found a job as a seafarer or a seaman, who worked on a ship abroad. (He’s been doing that for almost 19 years of my life.) So my mom came back to take care of me and my brother.
My mom told me when I was young that the place where I was born was disgusting, because most houses in that area don’t really have a bathroom inside of their house and people would just poop inside of a plastic bag and throw it on the roof of the houses. The houses were really close to each other around our house. My mom told me that’s why I was always getting sick when I was young, because our house roof was always leaking because of that dirt in the roof. (That really made a mark in my mind of where I came from.)
When I was about two or three years old, my grandma, who was living in the USA, helped my mom with financial aid so she could buy my family a better house in Taytay City, Rizal, Philippines. (It was not a grandiose house, but it was still better with the one we lived in when I was born.) Eventually, we moved to our new house in Taytay City, Rizal, Philippines and that’s where most of my childhood to teenager memories took place.
When I was young, about the age of five, my brother and I were sweet to each other. We used to have a fun bond. We played hide and seek, ghost pranks, and sometimes he tickled me so hard that I was not able to move. I laughed so hard that I almost pissed in my pants. He even tried to save me from rabies when my dog (Lucky) bit me on the leg when I tried to steal its bone and play fetch. While my mom cleaned my wound, my brother volunteered to my mom to suck my open wound to remove a possible rabies infection. At that time, I was clueless that my brother was risking his life just to save me.
When I was in Elementary school, I saw my brother as more educationally smart than me and I wanted to follow his footsteps. Also, my parents have degrees and I thought that was a righteous path to follow. But all of that suddenly crashed when, one day, I was standing in front of my clothes drawer with couple of chocolates inside and my brother approached me and, acting as if he was a little child, he asked for some of my chocolates. I jokingly said, “no.”
Even though I was just joking with him, with a smile, after I said that, he suddenly punched me in the face without warning, as if he was punching a person his same age. I felt my childhood suddenly ended. I felt I had suddenly become an adult. That did not only happen once, but it became a never-ending cycle inside of our house for many years. It only stopped when I was a little older, around 14 years of age. During those years, I felt my home was more of a battle zone, rather than a safe place. That incident made me think about why an educated person would treat me like that and, since then, my interest in education was gone.
As my interest in education was gone, I saw my grandpa (who was a jeepney passenger driver in the Philippines when he was still alive), who always picked me up at school, as someone who was more simple and also had a decent job. He also didn’t have any higher educational background. My grandpa’s job become my interest, rather than school. Since then, I used to join him on the road and I saw how he carefully operated the jeepney. He thought more of the safety of the other motorist first, making sure it was safe when he drove. Not only that, but I saw how he treated people very nicely. Since then, I only wanted to be a driver, even though I had more opportunity to become better than that.
Since my brother first punched me in the face, it became a normal scenario in my house, because every year, when my dad was 10 months away from home, only my mom, my brother, and I were left in the house. As I was growing up, I constantly got into fights with my brother, if not every day, it was almost every week. We only had a complete cease fire when my dad returned home for three to six months. After he left home, the fight started again, as if we had a season for fighting.
When my dad was at home, I expected him to actually fix the situation between me and my brother, but I was wrong because not only was he not able fix it, but my dad and my mother had their own fights too. I felt like I was the one who needed to understand more in the house, though I just understood my dad, because I knew he was just doing his part to provide for his family.
As my brother and I fought, my mom was also affected. Sometimes when we fought, my mom would get hurt by putting herself between my brother and I. And sometimes she was the one in the end that dodged most all of the hooks that my brother was throwing at me. It was more painful to me when I saw that my mom was the one who got hit by my brother, rather than me.
At that time, I couldn’t do anything. I knew that if I fought back, no one in the house would ever stop my brother and I from fighting each other. And I knew that, if I ever fought back, we would rather kill each other than apologize later. Sometimes, after he beat the hell out of me, he would actually spit on me and, the crazy part is that, while he was doing that, and while I was crying so loud because of my anger towards him and the things he was doing, he would ask me why I was mad at the world. I said in my mind that, “This dude is crazy.” And I felt like Lucifer was the one I was battling with, rather than my brother.
My house felt like a battlezone or hell, rather than a safe haven. At that time, my mom told me to just forgive my older brother. She said he was just jealous of me because she was not the one who took care of him when he was young. I actually understood that. Since then, I just forgave and understood him every time he was fighting me. That’s the first time I learned how to forgive my enemy.
While I was growing up, I encountered many kids who also wanted to hurt me, even though I didn’t do a single thing to them. My only defense was, I’m not fighting back, and sometimes I just cried and ran. But I just forgave them all. Since then, almost all of my childhood friends were my enemies before I became friends with them.
My family belonged to the LDS Church, though only my mom and I, and sometimes my grandpa, were the only active members in the Church in my family. I’m not a “die-hard fan,” as my dad used to call my mom, regarding the LDS Church, but as a young kid, I did find a little bit of a safe haven inside the chapel. The place was very nice. All of the rooms were air conditioned, which is very convenient when you live in a tropical climate zone. Other than the place, I also loved some of the activities, especially Youth Conference, and some of the friends that I met.
My mom had her first friend in the Church. Her friend’s husband is also a stake president in my church. They also have a daughter. She was my first female friend in the Church during those young years. She was a very beautiful looking girl. She has light skin and very unique shape of face. But I see myself as quite the opposite and a bit more tan. What I love the most about her is that, whenever I’m around her, she also wanted to be around me.
I remember when I attended her birthday party when we were just kids. She was in the center of the stage and about to be sung a Happy Birthday, but when I arrived, she suddenly ran towards me and wanted to be near me, even though her family needed her in the center stage to be sung a Happy Birthday. During those moments, I was embarrassed by what she did, but I also saw how genuinely she wanted to be with me. But I respected her birthday party and made her go back to center stage to be sung a Happy Birthday.
Whenever we were together, I wasn’t actually paying attention to her appearance, but every time we met, we just played and ran inside and outside of the chapel. I didn’t actually have feelings for her, but that suddenly changed when she bit me on my arm. At that moment, I didn’t know what to do because I never fought back when people attacked me. I didn’t know if I should fight her off my arms or just let her bite me. Also, she is a girl. But while she was biting me, even though I cried because of pain, I didn’t feel anger at all. I just fell in love with her. Since then, I began to question myself about my appearance and started asking myself if I’m worthy to have that kind of beautiful girl. But when I looked and saw myself in the mirror, I saw myself as an ugly guy. But I also said to myself that I would become better and pursue her.
As soon as I put that in my mind, I suddenly felt the urge to take revenge on my brother, which I didn’t want to happen. As soon as I was looking at my brother, I began to see him in a different perspective. I felt like my brother was also ugly, like me, and he was just not being valued for what he is in this world. That’s why he was angry and jealous of me.
And I could also see my mom compared to the girl I liked. My mom was not on that level of beauty. The girl I liked is a very beautiful girl, but I felt that if I was going to love her, I would need to hate my brother, and also put her above my mom, because I saw them as not as good-looking compared to the girl, her mom, and family. I said to myself that it was just not right. Since then, I began to say to myself that I would only pursue the one with an exact likeness of my mom. Since then, I became more patient with my mom and especially with my brother.
I began to distance myself from this girl, her mom, and family. And even though she still wanted to be friends with me and my heart still had feelings for her, I still, pitifully, started to see myself distancing away. I felt sad about it, but I knew I was just being righteous and just wanting what really is for me.
After that, eventually, my mom also distanced herself from this girls’ mom and, during those moments, I saw how emotional that mom was. But I still justified to myself that it was right. Not only did I distance myself from the girl I liked, but I also distanced myself from everyone who had lighter skin than me and from beautiful people. I feel like I developed a habit and mannerisms and an attitude towards people that looked like this girl.
As I began to distance myself from this girl, developing a habit of only associating with people that didn’t look like her, I met, for the first time, my cousin, who is the son of my mom’s brother, who is a farmer. When I saw my cousin for first time, he looked darker than me, but more handsome, but a little bit short. Because I have an insecurity about my looks, I began to treat him as if he was more handsome than me, and actually putting him in pedestal. I was putting myself below him, as I believed that is what I deserved. Eventually, we became friends.
I also noticed that my cousin was beaten up so badly by his dad, though I could not see a deep reason why. So, I realized that my cousin was also like me, and I found a common ground with him. As we began to be closer, I felt I was on a righteous path and that distancing away from the girl I had liked was justified. Also, I saw his mom who was not associating with people, just like the other mom had done,
Since then, my cousin and I became closer, even closer than my real brother and I, at that time. My family and my cousin’s family were going to visit my mom’s sister’s house. When we arrived there, I met my Aunt for the first time.
This Aunt is the one who is rich in my mom’s family. She has a husband who is a lawyer. My auntie also looked more like my friend who was lighter-skinned than my mom. And I realized and felt that my Aunt was more like me than my cousin was. So, my mind was coming back to the girl I had liked.
During the time when we were there in their house, my cousin and I grew closer to our Uncle (my auntie’s husband, who is a lawyer). I saw my uncle that time as the ultimate alpha in my family, because of his position, and I also had a ton of respect for him. He encouraged me to be better at school and not to be that kind of person that we see on the street or, in other words, “poor.” I even wanted to do better with my education, as my brother did. I still could not focus on my studies because I was always in a survival mode with my brother in my house.
At that time, my brother and I were still having petty fights. As I realized my situation with my brother, I began to think about trying to get help from my uncle, who is a lawyer. But I realized that, even if I tried to ask my uncle for help, my uncle would still not be able to stop my brother from harassing me. I felt that my brother was a little bit personal towards me.
So, when we were there in their house, we were actually going to go to a beach vacation, and I was shocked when my Uncle wanted me to decide if we should bring his gun or not. But that also made me think about why a lawyer was trusting me so much, especially about a decision about his gun, when I could not even protect myself from my own brother? As a young kid, that boosted my ego a little, and I thought that I was superior to my cousin. But I never actually wanted to be that way, so I remained more humble.
Also, during that time, my uncle wanted me to stay away from black people because he knew that I would soon be going to the U.S.A. He said to me that I should always call the cops if I ever got in trouble with black people. I understood that, but as soon as he said that to me, I realized that I have lighter skin than him; his is little bit darker than mine. But I also thought to myself that, if he already looked black, why did he want me to stay away from or hate black people? To me, it sounded like he wanted to be hated also. Since then, it justified even more my motivation to became more friendly to any black people or those darker than me because not only was my uncle darker, but also my grandpa.
As we returned back to my house in Taytay, Rizal, my brother and I started to fight again. I felt so hopeless at that time. In the back of my mind, I knew my brother just wanted me to be tougher and better, but I felt that if he kept doing that to me, we might hurt each other really bad. I was actually becoming tougher at that time, but I knew that I could not always live as a tough guy. I knew that someone would soon replace me and, as soon as I realized that, I began to think about how I could get rid of what my brother wanted me to become, so I could prove to him that I’m just weak and just wanted a peaceful life.
Then, I came to the idea that maybe I’m actually gay. And at that young age, I saw one of my childhood friends, who is a good-looking guy, and I actually asked him if he wanted to have sex with me. And he actually agreed. And then, when we were going to do it, his cousin (who is another of my childhood friends) saw us and asked us where we are going. I don’t know why I was not able to lie about what we were about to do, but I actually told him, like an innocent kid. And then he also wanted to join us. I don’t know why I was also not able to stop him from joining us then, so the three of us had sex at that time.
After that sex, I realized that I wasn’t really happy at all doing that, but I also realized that the intense relationship between me and my brother was actually lessened and I felt that it actually worked. But my brother still wanted to fight me and I felt that my relationship with my family was also shifting. I know my family just wanted me to become better, because the most successful person in my family was my uncle, who is a lawyer.
Then, I began to think about why my cousin wasn’t trusted by my family, like me, even though I knew he was tougher than me and more handsome. And because we had a strong bond together, we began to be closer to each other until one day, my cousin and I also had sex for the first time.
After we had sex, I realized that the relationship between my brother and I and also with all of my family had changed drastically and my brother didn’t want to fight me at all. So, I realized that I had fixed my situation between my brother and I. But I also realized that my feelings and connection to the rest of family was completely changed and I saw my relationship with them had become different.
And my relationship to my childhood friends, especially the girl I had like was also completely gone, and every time she and I met at the chapel, it felt like we were different people and the closeness that we once had was completely gone as well. It felt like even small communication was so awkward. Not only that, but even in school people began to treat me differently. I felt like an adult, even though I was still in elementary school and they treated me like I already knew things.
So, my reflexes were always countering that. I realized that sex can change something in you, at that moment. I was actually shocked at that time, and I felt all of my energy was transferred to my cousin. And I felt he got all of my energy and the value that my family wanted me to be. I felt regret. I realized that my brother just wanted me to become better, though he was doing it in the wrong way. And at that moment, I actually wanted to go back from how it all once was.
I was trying to treat my cousin like I did when I first met him, but my relationship between my cousin and I and also with the rest of my family, and especially the girl I had liked, was already shifted at that time. I was still trying to convince my cousin to pretend that we didn’t have sex at all, but the more I tried to convince him, the more he was not actually convinced. He now thought that he was now more superior than me.
Then it came to the moment when I actually wanted to kill him. But at that moment, suddenly, something stopped me and made me realized that, if I killed my cousin, I could actually do it and come out of jail because my uncle is a lawyer. But I also realized that I would owe my life to my uncle and it would be another never-ending cycle. As soon as I realized that, I felt so defeated that I just accepted my fate. And as soon as I let go of that kind of relationship that I wanted, something in my mind and the way I think, changed. My ego was also shifted, and my relationship with my family shifted even more. And every time I’m near my uncle who is a lawyer, the vibe becomes different.
The ironic part is that my uncle should feel superior to the rest of my family but, instead, I felt I was above my uncle. Then, I realized his ways and how corrupt a lawyer would be, but I never wanted to be above him because I had still a lot of respect to him. And as I realized where I’m coming from in this life, I realized that I’m in a position where I have a lot of resources that most people or kids wanted to have and I began to see both the people above and below me. But I said to myself that I just wanted a simple and happy life.
As I realized that, I asked God, “Why things are like that?” And I also said to myself and to God that, because I’m in a position where I have a lot of resources and even a chance to go to the U.S.A., I will just be kind and do good to others. And because I was born in a poor place and most of my childhood friends are poor, and even though some of them are treating me badly, I just began to treat them more kindly and with understanding and I was happy around them.
In 2011, my cousin went to the U.S.A. and that’s the last time we saw each other for almost seven years. During those times in 2011, my mother and I were still active in the Church. My mom was the president of the Relief Society in the Church. At that time, they had a plan to use the budget of the Church to visit and help the poor members in need. But when the bishop in our Ward was changed, my mom and the Relief Society had been about to help a poor member in the Church with some small financial aid for a member’s health surgery.
The new bishop denied the budget for it. My mom got upset and she began to question the church, and my mother and I had the same thought that “If Jesus Christ was on Earth, would He enter first to that beautiful church or would He help the sick person around it?” That’s the time when she searched for an answer until she found The Sealed Portion online.
Back then, I had no idea what she found, but I was just happy for her that she found what she was looking for. And when my mom told me about it, it sounded like it was the ultimate truth. I was so excited and curious about what was actually inside of that book but, at the same time, I didn’t have 100% interest in it because I hadn’t even read the Book of Mormon or even the Bible. I had just listened to my mom about Godly things.
As my mom finally understood that truth for herself, we began to slowly distance away from the Church. I actually felt sad about it; but also, at the same time, it made me more free with myself. That’s the time I began to become more wild and free.
During those times when we were still active, but slowly distancing away from the church, I was in Sunday School/Primary age. But every time we went to the church, Sacrament Meeting was the only thing that I was attending. The rest of the time, I was just hanging out by myself, outside of the church near the grass.
One time, the girl who I liked, who was also in Primary at that time, found me outside and sat next me. She hung out with me, even though we didn’t speak to each other. At that time, an ice cream man came and she bought one ice cream stick. After the ice cream man left there were three outsider kids that came and taunted me for trouble. Those three kids taunted me while my friend ate her ice cream, and I was shocked when she threw her ice cream stick at those three kids.
At that time, she and I looked at each other, smiled, and ran inside the chapel. While we were hiding inside of the room and looking out the window where we could see those three kids trespassing the church, my friend actually wanted to knock on the window and wave to those kids. But I stopped her because they might damage the window.
After those kids left, she and I were laughing and we began to run and chase each other inside of the church. When we came to the next room, she started to bite me anywhere on my body. While she was doing that to me, I was giggling and my feelings for her became stronger again. But at that moment, I realized all the sexual sin (homosexual sex) that I had already committed, reinforcing my feelings that I wasn’t worthy of her.
During those moments, I made her stop biting me, but she was so eager towards me, until I saw her auntie and told her auntie what she was doing to me. At that moment, I knew she was doing it because of our affection for each other, but I told her auntie that my friend had just done it without reason, making her look bad in front of her auntie. Her auntie actually raised her voice to her and, if I’m not mistaken, she also got spanked, which I felt was too much and that my friend didn’t deserve it. During those moments, I witnessed how devastated my friend was. I felt regret but, at the same time, I justified myself, believing that I didn’t deserve her.
The next Sunday, she was completely distanced from me and she was a totally different person until she found a new friend. The irony is that her new friend was naturally gay. Since then, we never talked to each other until I was aware that she was slowly being erased from my mind.
In 2014, when our LDS Church in Taytay was going to be renovated, it was the last time that my mom and I went to Church. It was also the last time that I saw my friends, especially the girl I had liked, as I continued to finish high school and go to college (even though I didn’t finish college at all). I already forgot all of my LDS friends. I was already living wild and free, and also, during those times when I was in college, I noticed that there were girls that were so cool to me, even though I didn’t know the reason why. And I also didn’t even know how to interact with them or even flirt with them. So I mostly became friends with boys. But I also become friends with good-looking boys, even though, during that time, the way I saw myself was ugly.
Also, when I was attending college to become an aircraft mechanic, it was purely a party and drinking, without actually focusing on my studies. (It might have been because my ego was telling me that I was moving to the U.S.A. anyway.) During those times, my dad bought me a motorcycle so I could travel to my school. And all I cared about at that time was my friends and my motorcycle. During those times, I became more materialistic and I was drunk for almost a whole month, every night. Sometimes, when I’m drunk, I don’t know why I’m so mad at myself and also why I’m so unhappy.
Three years later (in December, 2017), as I forgot all about being an LDS member, and two months before we moved here to the U.S.A., my mom and I went to the store in front of the LDS Church in Taytay, Rizal. As I was waiting inside of Mom’s car that night, I literally saw the girl I had liked walk by in front of our car. When I saw her, I thought that I never knew someone like her. She was already a teenager, and while I was laser-focus looking at her, I felt the familiar vibe that I had left behind, even though I already forgot her a long time ago. During that time, I was actually double-minded about if I was going to approach her or not, but, unfortunately, I did not.
On December 25th, on Christmas Day, in the early morning light, my friends and I were celebrating Christmas. I was fully drunk and I went outside. I was actually running my motorcycle fast around our street until I crashed. Upon seeing my motorcycle get damaged, I became so angry with myself. I think during those nights I was having trouble being a man because most of my childhood I was bullied. Then, something came up in my mind and I said to myself that, “to prove that I’m man enough, I need to start a fight.”
That night, I went outside, away from my friends and, while I was heavily drunk, I waited outside on the street to actually punch someone in the face, without reason. Upon waiting, I saw four people coming by and I punched one of them in the face by myself. But when I punched, I didn’t even hit hard until one of them retaliated on me and actually punched me so hard, exactly in my left eye.
After that punch, something inside me literally went away. I felt my ego was destroyed and I also felt like the Holy Ghost left me or some spirit left me at that time. It was so painful and I felt that I would lose my left eye.
Right after I got hit, I just surrendered to the ground, and the four of them beat the hell out of me on the ground. Luckily, my friends fought back for me and literally saved me. After that, and upon seeing my face in the mirror, I saw that my left eye was actually slightly permanently damaged and my nose and shoulder were crooked. During those times, my ego was super depleted. I was so ashamed. I didn’t want to go outside of the house, and just waited until we actually went to the U.S.A. in February of 2018. I felt like it was a bad luck to go to a new place after something like that happened and also, the night before we all went, I saw a blood moon for the first time in my life.
So, in February 2018, when my family and I arrived here in the U.S.A., hoping for new life, I met my cousin again for the first time in seven years. Upon arriving, he was already taunting me and telling me that he could beat the hell out of me, even though I just newly arrived. I was so triggered by what he said to me that I wanted to fight back. It also reminded me of the unfinished business that we had before he came to the U.S.A. But because I was just new, and just got in trouble back in the Philippines that I had not able to move on from yet, and because he was an athlete wrestler and had better grades than me, I had no chance of winning an argument or even a fight. After I realized that, I just accepted all of the mistakes that I did to him and also accepted all of the bad things that he was saying to me. I became submissive to him and treated him more kindly than myself, hoping that I could find some guidance from him, at that time.
I was also having trouble connecting or even vibing with all of my female cousins. I wanted to connect with them, but the vibe was off, and every time we saw each other, it was so awkward. During this time, my male cousin introduced to me his friend and my female cousin friend. She was half Pinay and half White. She was beautiful. But even though she was beautiful, I found myself distancing away from her, even though deep inside of me, I wanted to be friends and connect. Every time I was around her, I didn’t know how to have a conversation. I felt that was because I was just new, but I still didn’t know why. During those times, my cousins and I got together with my female cousin. We were walking to the car to get something to eat and, while I was in front of them, my female cousin told me that she loved me, using my native language. But I still denied it.
And then, during when I was working in Caterpillar, I became friends with this old lady in her 30s. She was a single mom. We dated in a car and that’s the first time I kissed a girl. My first impression of America was that they are so open and liberated. But after we dated for a second time, I found that I didn’t actually love her and I was just lusting for her.
At home, my cousin was having an argument with everyone in the house, even my grandma, and I couldn’t do anything. I felt that my family wanted to counter my cousin, but nobody could stop him; and the worst thing was that I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt that even my cousin wanted to be guided, but no one in the house was able to become a father figure.
At that time, my mom revealed something to me that I never knew since I was young. Her sister actually came from a different dad. This was because, little did I know, when my grandma was still young, she worked as a maid and she got raped by a Chinese man. Because my mom told me about it, it all made sense to me. That’s why my Auntie looks different than my mom and the rest of my family. Now it made sense to me why I wanted to separate my mom from the mom of the girl I had liked, and why my mom and her mom became friends in the first place. Even though my mom and her sister came from different dads, they still love each other so much, because my Auntie still stood by her mom’s family, rather than her lawyer husband.
During when I was working in Caterpillar, I had both white friends and black friends. I also become friends with this white dude. We become so close that he gave me LSD (acid) that I was curious about since I was in the Philippines.
Then, during that night in 2019, I took my first acid trip in my life. And as the drug took effect, it was such a profound experience for me. I was so happy. I felt like I saw colors for the first time and, when I went outside, I saw my grandma’s garden, as if I was in the Garden of Eden. I felt like I was a little child. My thoughts were super-fast. I couldn’t even stop them. And when I listened to a song, it felt like there was a live band in front of me. But after that effect, I felt my thoughts were affecting me permanently and that I would not able to go back, and that gave me a lot of anxiety.
In 2020, I joined a mixed martial art class. During those times, I really wanted to change something in me and learn how to defend myself combatively because I was bullied since I was young, and also because of that trouble I got into before we left the Philippines. At that time, I was sparring with a professional fighter who was the same age as me. I thought he was just going to be easy on me but he was actually so serious that he knocked me out. During that time, I was so devasted and also so emotional and I was crying so bad. I had never felt that way in my entire life.
Since then, when I went back to work in Caterpillar, my ego was so hurt that I didn’t want to speak to people anymore. I felt that I had already given up my personality and I just accepted all of my flaws and myself as ugly. I became so submissive and so lowly and, as I was doing that, I felt the effects on the people around me. I felt I was releasing a lot of things inside of me and removing the boundaries that I thought I deserved.
I cut off all the relationships in my family and even to myself. While I was doing that, I felt its effect to the people around me and, quite frankly, to the whole world, and even to my dad who was also working there. My dad even went to the hospital during that time. And during that time, the pandemic hit, back in June 2020.
The pandemic also helped me because I had a reason to wear a mask so I could hide my face around people. That way, I didn’t actually need to let them see my face or be nice to them if I didn’t feel like it. And while I was doing that every day, I was losing my sanity and energy and I couldn’t function well at my job any longer. I decided to quit.
During that time when I quit, back in January 2021, I was so lost and my mental state was so devasted that I went to a psychiatrist and I felt that they couldn’t help me at all. They were talking to me normally, as if I was fine, even though deep inside I was struggling.
I was seeking help online when I saw a self-help guru. I was so desperate to talk to someone and get help that I went to this guy. But this guy was asking me for money—for $5555—just to help me, so I did. But everything we did was not helping at all. We were just dancing in front of my computer and meditating, but not the real help that I was expecting.
Since then, I began to search for a new job and began my journey in the trucking industry because I love driving. When I submitted my application online, I got accepted to Prime, Inc. Trucking Company and I packed my things and went to Springfield, Missouri as a truck driver. Once I took that step, I learned how to live by myself and I didn’t want to be around people anymore.
At that time, I really didn’t know how to operate the truck professionally. All I knew was that I was just going to deliver the load from point A to B. I had no idea of the rules of time for operating it. So, as I was traveling with my trainer, I saw some very beautiful scenery. We traveled around the U.S.A. in a round loop four times, operating 24 hours in a day.
After that training, I was able to get my own truck. They gave me a route from Tennessee to Michigan and, as I improved my operation and learned things to survive, I encountered this female that was working in a shipping office in Tennessee. When I first saw her, she looked like she had the face of an angel that I could never have imagined. But also, her beauty looked familiar to me, even though I didn’t know exactly where I saw a beautiful woman like her. I was amazed by how beautiful she was but, as usual, I was not able to say my feelings or even flirt to her.
During those times, beside seeing nice scenery, she is the one that I wanted to see every time I went there to pick up my load. And after one year of driving, in 2022, I went back to Georgia and become lazy for one year. During those times, I tried to go to a GED school with the help of my friend. As I went back to school, I felt I did not really fit in. I was struggling to be around people. I also encountered this beautiful young girl, 17 years of age, and she always wanted to be around me and actually approached me, but my reflexes were still ignoring girls. After that, I got tired and quit GED school during those times.
I was into astrology and it became my daily life and also my reality until in Dec 2022, on my birthday, my mom gave me The Sealed Portion. As I was reading it with an open heart, I was so amazed at how true all of the things that I read inside of that book felt, especially when I was able to reflect on my life in Chapter 74, where they condemned the judges and corrupt lawyers.
Since I read that, my mind has been open and I realize how true The Sealed Portion is. Then, I was listening to Christopher during Coffee with Chris on YouTube and, as I was listening to him, I felt that he was speaking to me directly, on television. I felt that he is the only one who can truly see me and hear me. I was listening to him about the Real Truth® of everything and as I also read Human Reality, I realized how much sense that book makes and how I was able to reflect on my life, especially about values that I wanted.
Then, I learned one of Christopher’s teaching about the greatest sin of all, which is not being true to yourself, and not pursuing your happiness. At that time, back in January 2023, I searched again for a trucking job. When I began another job, I felt so lonely. Money doesn’t make me motivated to do my job at all.
Then, on March 5, 2023, I went to an Asian massage and the massage therapist offered me full service, so I did. That’s the first time I had sex with a female and, as soon that was over, I realized that I was not happy at all.
Upon learning and studying more, especially when I read 666, The Mark of America—Seat of the Beast, and when I read Section 10 about the corruption of man and etc. … I was able to reflect back to the things that I never thought I did when I was young, especially to first girl I had liked. And I realize now that the reason I’m so awkward around beautiful people is that I’ve been lying to myself this entire time. I recognized that the way I treated this girl was a lie to myself, because I acted as if I’m not actually attracted to her and don’t love her, even though, deep inside, she was all that my soul was craving.
I’ve been lying this entire time and didn’t know I was living in hell and I was affecting people around me so badly, especially myself. And, as I looked at her photo, I realize that she is the one that I’ve been running from this entire time, since I was a kid, and all of the people that I encountered were a reflection of things that I have done.
Now, as I continue to learn about the Marvelous Work and a Wonder®, I will become more authentic to myself and pursue what truly makes me happy, though I feel it’s too late to pursue this girl now. It’s been almost a decade since we last saw each other and she already has a boyfriend. And she became a missionary in December 2023.
But the lesson that I learned from this Work will be forever in my heart, until the Lord finally takes my life. But if ever someday, that Lord gives me a chance to be with this girl, that would my greatest testimony in this Work. I leave all of this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
John Addrei Dalisay